The Spit Roast
By Ana and Melvin Melons
1
“I paid thousands of dollars for tickets to her show last night, and I had an obstructed view. Now here she is, twenty feet away, in my neighbor’s back yard. Naked.” Her wide eyes were a mix of envy and awe. “And I can’t even get starstruck and embarrass myself.” She kicked off her shoes while giving me an irritated glare, turned, and crossed the shallows to the pool island. She circled the day’s masterpiece and then returned to me with her sandals in her hand. “How is Rosalyn here?”
“Rosie is a friend.” Melvin was matter of fact about it, as if the information that he’s friends with the world’s most famous pop star was mundane. “You’re the reason we were introduced.”
I gazed at Paige while she thought, probing her memory for what-on-earth Melvin was talking about. Her brunette hair was up in a loose bun and bounced when she walked. Her breasts were barely contained by a rainbow tank top and also bounced when she walked. Most importantly, her yummy ass was tightly packed into a pair of khaki capris. She pushed out her lower lip, blew some loose locks from her eyes, and gave a dejected look. “Maybe give me a hint?”
I took in a deep breath. “Do you remember the time we took you to see her? We stayed in the hotel across the street from the cemetery. I watched from the window while Melvin paddled you over a weathered headstone.”
Paige blushed and then gave Melvin a cheeky smile. “That doesn’t exactly narrow it down.”
My husband grinned back at her and gave a wink. “I’m going to finish setting up.” Melvin kissed me and squeezed my left breast, then Paige’s, before he made his way over to his bar with a roguish swagger.
She was right. Now I was the one trying to remember. I waited for a long time. “We had drinks at a little place on the beach. A local was flirting with you and doing really well, then he farted and we all started laughing, but all the commotion got the attention of his wife, and she dragged him out of there by his ear.”
Her face flushed with recognition. “Thanks to her I didn’t waste any of my vacation with that loser. Go on.”
I continued the story. “Well, when you came back from the merch stand you couldn’t find us. Rosie invited us back to the headliner suite. She’s a big fan, and given the nature of her interest in us, she requested privacy.”
The frustration drained from Paige’s expression and the awe returned. “I get it, this is so scandalous.”
2
I held up a hand to calm her. “For her, today is about not being one of the most recognizable people alive.”
Paige relented, taking a deep meditative breath.
I changed the subject, pointing to the box she had set down nearby. “What have you got here?”
Paige turned and opened the flaps. “I was doing an HR thing last week for a company that makes premium sex toys. They gave me a bunch of these remote-controlled vibrators.” She slid the box across the table, so it was in front of me. “I thought, maybe they’d make a good party favor, one that we can make use of today.”
I squealed with excitement, surprising everyone including my husband. “I love the idea.” The box was tightly packed with white boxes that had a picture of a small pink vibrating toy on the cover. I reached down and pulled out a loose remote, turning it in my fingers before I twisted the knob.
Paige let a squeak escape her lips that grew into a giggle. “Mine is already in.”
I gazed at her in amazement. She’s simultaneously the most wholesome of my friends while also being the quintessential slutty girl-next-door. Her warm smile hid all the lascivious thoughts going through her mind. I knew that she’d go for Melvin at the first opportunity, but I couldn’t wait. I cranked the knob up to half-way.
“Oh shit.” Paige gasped as her knees got weak and she braced herself on the table. “You’re so good to me.” She gasped as she spoke.
I pressed my fingers to my lips and blew, giving her a wink. “You should take these to the table by the gate so that they can be passed out to our guests.” I pushed the box back over to her.
Paige grabbed the box and closed the flaps. She scurried off excitedly, handing a toy to each of the band members who were filing into the yard.
The grill sizzled. The aroma of seasoned meats and hickory wood filled the yard. When I looked at him, Melvin was already staring at me. The look on his face told me he knew I was getting wetter now than I would be after I got into the hot tub.
“Hey beautiful.” Nikki surprised me and wrapped her arms around me. “Are you excited?”
I looked down at the vibrator in her hand and I nodded to her. “Especially now.”
3
Nikki snickered. “You dirty perv.”
“I prefer ‘literate Pervert,’ if you don’t mind.” She squeezed me again and stepped back.
I could hear a large vehicle approach the front of the house and come to a stop. Nikki turned to the band and gave them a gesture. “That’s Brooke and Paul with the tour bus. We’re going to get changed.” She joined her bandmates and disappeared beyond the side of the house.
Not long after, a tall skinny woman stepped through the gate followed by a shorter broader man. Paige greeted them with familiarity, offering a toy that they refused, then blushing as she put it back in the box.
The woman had brunette hair, and a comfy-looking yellow sundress with pockets that I was sure she had made herself. Her smile seemed to drive the awkwardness away and Paige waved them into the yard. As they approached my husband, I could see the straps of a bathing suit below it and was hopeful that we’d get to spend some time together in the hot tub before the day was done.
The man following her had thinning black hair in a long ponytail down his back and wore a Coven of Hags T-shirt and black basketball shorts with a pair of flip-flops. “Hello, Mr. Melons,” he called to my husband as they arrived.
Brooke was a talented seamstress and had basically become the sixth member of the band. Paul had been a long-haul trucker and the transition to driving the tour bus was an easy and welcome change of pace for him with the added benefit of being able to support his partner’s dream.
I slid into the hot tub and watched as they all started to make their way over to the bar and place their orders from my husband. Brooke and her Paul were finishing up marveling at Rosalyn, and I raised an arm to signal them to join me.
Paul sat at the edge of the tub, letting his feet dip into the water. “Hey Ana, long time no see.”
“We’re glad you could make it.” I started. “We heard you all got caught in a flood in Nashville.”
Brooke removed her dress and dipped into the water before sliding over to cuddle with me. I hugged her back as her husband continued.
“You know Nikki, she’s always figuring out a way to part the seas,” Paul mused.
4
Brooke squeezed me again. “We missed you guys. At least now you know we’ll make it hell or literal high water.”
They both sipped at their drinks, and I asked what they had gotten.
“Gin and tonic,” Paul said, shaking his glass.
“I asked for a mojito, but then I saw the strawberries and I wanted something with them, but Melvin said he’d make me a strawberry mojito, but then I decided I wanted a daiquiri and Melvin said people who order a daiquiri usually want it frozen and he doesn’t have a blender, and that people always bring back a daiquiri on the rocks because it isn’t what they expected, so I got the strawberry mojito.” Brooke took another sip of her drink without even stopping to take a breath.
The band returned. Each of them was wearing a different on-theme bikini painstakingly crafted by Brooke. I clapped when I saw them, along with my husband and our other guests. They each took a bow.
“These and their other outfits are for the next music video,” Brooke explained proudly. “The idea is that the world has ended; the Coven caused it, and they’re having a pool party to celebrate. It’s still on theme.” She pointed to them one by one. “Plague, War, Famine, Death, and the beast that follows.”
“I did some work on the bikes,” Paul added.
“All of it looks amazing,” Melvin shouted from the grill.
“You’re so talented,” I added.
“I told her I wanted the apocalypse, but slutty.” Nikki did a spin.
I couldn’t help myself. My fingers instinctively went to the knob of my remote and gave it a twist. One by one they reacted to the vibrators, giggling in surprise. They spread out. Siren and Nikki went to admire Rosie, while Ashbane and Witchfire headed to the bar, and Thor’n moved towards the entrance.
“What did you think of Rosie?” I asked.
“Statuesque.” Paul pulled his feet out of the water and sat cross-legged.
“Yeah, she is gorgeous. Aphrodite personified. She is like a marble goddess who got tired of being admired from a distance and came down to earth as an object of desire. If we—” Brooke was interrupted by a bell. “Our burgers are done!” She gave me another hug and stepped out of the tub, dripping as she wrapped herself in a towel.
5
Paul slowly got to his feet with a grunt, nodded to me, and followed. They got their plates from my husband and went to sit down at the picnic tables.
I got out as well. Melvin was finishing up a drink for Ashbane, and I could see that she and Witchfire were hanging on his every word. I was walking in their direction when another interruption occurred.
I heard a voice that I recognized. It was someone who was definitely not invited, but she showed up every year. “Hiiiiiiiiii!” The word was drawn out with an upward inflection as if she were asking a question. “I brought wine.” She could have been mistaken for cordial if it weren’t for how obviously phony the kindness was. Thor’n was on it in a second. She ran around the edge of the house, past Paige, and through the front gate.
I followed, pressing my arm against my chest to keep from bouncing out of my bikini. Melvin didn’t even react. He just kept working on his grill completely ignoring her existence. Out in front of the house, a vehicle had dropped off our biggest fan and was speeding away down the street.
Joan was wearing a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, both marked with matching dark stains. She had a large box of wine that she lifted over her head, taking a drink directly from the nozzle until a stream of deep red liquid ran down her chin and dripped onto her clothes. I saw her face twist with rage when she noticed me. Her eyes traced every curve of my body and every inch of my exposed flesh for something to insult. It was always clear that she wasn’t here to appreciate beauty, but to tear it down. “One of your boobs is bigger than the other.”
I looked down admiring them both, then directly into her empty eyes. “The bigger one is Melvin’s favorite.”
The fury boiled over. Her skin flushed. “All he does is play video games and jack off, why would I care what he thinks?” Her words were slurred and nearly incomprehensible. I started to speak, but she wasn’t finished with me yet. One thing about Joan is that if you just let her speak freely, she will often say something incriminating.
“Nice party you’re having here, I can’t wait to watch you inhaling chocolate pudding pie. That isn’t going to make your fat ass any less fat.” She stepped towards the house, and Thor’n stepped in her way.
“Not today, sister, you are not on the invite list.” Thor’n looked like a giant next to her, but that didn’t stop her from trying to push through anyway. Thor’n stood her ground and Joan relented, taking a step back.
6
“I just want to go inside. I’ll be good. It’s just a party. I need to see him, I need closure. I want an apology!”
We’d had this same conversation so many times and it had long ago gotten old. “An apology for what? It’s not a rhetorical question; I genuinely want to know.”
Joan’s pupils contracted and her posture went rigid. She growled as she spoke. “Don’t presume…” She drew the word out like a pompous ass. “How dare you!” She was really milking this one, I couldn’t wait to hear it. “Rhetoric was my academic focus. Don’t you dare presume to lecture me on rhetorical anything! I’m the PhD; you’re the GED.” Her slur faded as she got worked up. She must have noticed too, so she took another drink from the nozzle.
I ignored her, and after what I hoped was an uncomfortable silence for Joan, Thor’n shooed her away. “It’s time for you to walk home.”
The gremlin retreated, fleeing towards the street and finding her courage again at the sidewalk. “Your books are dumb. Wannabe Bonnie and Clyde who fuck everyone instead of killing them. Childish and stupid.” She staggered a few steps to the side then caught her balance. “You must have been so desperate to take my sloppy seconds.”
I gestured wildly, from the house to the gardens, to the lawn we were standing on. “Does any of this look like seconds to you?”
Joan scoffed and stumbled over her words, barely able to put the sentence together. “I could open new credit cards in his name and take all this from you. I probably should, you don’t deserve it, so you shouldn’t have it. He’s lucky karma didn’t bite him in the ass yet.”
She always incriminates herself. My compassion for this self-styled human wreckage had run out. “I think I’ve had enough of you until next year.”
“Shut up, dumb white trash bitch!” Joan lobbed her box of wine at me, high over Thor’n, but it didn’t even come close, landing with an awkward bounce on the lawn about twenty feet in front of me. The force of the throw knocked her off balance and she fell into the garden, crushing some of my flowerbed. She took off her shoe and attempted to hurl it at me.
This time, Thor’n was on top of it. She swatted the shoe away and back at her. “You need to get out of here before you get additional warrants.”
As I turned to leave, I heard Joan shriek again. “No! I need to get my wine. She’s stealing my wine.”
I turned back and looked at the desperate, lost woman sobbing in my gladiolas. “Let her have her walk of shame.”
7
Joan scrambled across the yard. With one flip-flop in her hand and the other on her foot, she scooped up her precious and cradled it in her arms covetously. She cooed and stroked the plastic bag, whispering comforting words before creeping back, past the sidewalk and to the other side of the road.
Out of nowhere, the banshee wailed. Her words were practiced and calculated, almost as if they had been said many times before. “You have no idea what I have been made to suffer. You have no idea how the world has treated me. You can’t even comprehend the humiliations forced upon me by countless villains. Nothing I have ever done or ever could do will ever be enough to right the wrongs that have been done to me. And you are the lowest of the low. You could never understand what it’s like to be someone like me, you’re just a tall, leggy blonde! THIS WILL NEVER END!”
I left Thor’n to deal with Joan and returned to the party. I was already relieved that we had gotten this over with and out of the way early. The moment I stepped through the gate, a wave of euphoria washed over me. The remote was back in my hand. I turned the dial and watched them all react.
To Be Continued